Part 7: Progress, Setbacks and Discoveries (continued)

Stumbling upon the information that the top conditions associated with my symptoms were Transient Ischemic Attacks (mini strokes), a stroke and Multiple Sclerosis was something of a bolt from the blue. This was some pretty serious shit. But surely something of this magnitude would have been easily detected by at least one of the numerous physicians I have seen over the past two years. Wouldn’t it?

As I read through the details of strokes and TIAs, most of the symptoms fit…

Muscle weakness on one side of the body
Numbness or tingling on one side of the body
Changes in sensation (including temperature)
Changes in hearing
Loss of balance
Vertigo and dizziness

It went on to explain that TIAs are a medical emergency. They are warnings that a larger stroke is most likely forthcoming and it was urged to seek medical attention immediately if a TIA was suspected.

I felt a lurch in the pit of my stomach.

Could I have been suffering TIAs all this time? Or worse, a stroke? It was difficult to not panic over this unsubstantiated information, though it appeared to be a potential explanation for what had been happening. I couldn’t help but wonder if my loss of one body function after another was the result of permanent brain damage from one or more strokes and if I was in imminent danger of having another, more massive one.

As I read on, however, there was one main characteristic of a TIA that did not correspond with my saga. While TIA symptoms come on suddenly, they do not last long (from a few minutes to 24 hours) and disappear completely. My symptoms have lingered, each occurrence lasting longer than the one before. With a typical stroke, symptoms come on suddenly and may slowly get worse. That was definitely more in line with what I had been experiencing, but was it really likely that something this significant and this serious could have been missed by so many doctors? Also, this didn’t explain the tightness around my chest or the paralysis.

But what else could it be? Obviously it wasn’t Multiple Sclerosis; I was far too young for something like that. Then again, I seemed awful young to have a stroke. Out of sheer curiosity, and believing that I wouldn’t find any helpful information, I clicked on the WebMD link for details on Multiple Sclerosis...

Tingling
Numbness
Loss of balance
Blurred or impaired vision
Hearing problems
Weakness in one or more limbs
Sudden onset of paralysis
Lack of coordination
Fatigue
Dizziness and vertigo
Abnormal sensations (including burning or cold sensations or sensations of pain)
Feeling a band of tightness around the body

Whoa. With the exception of vision problems, I had experienced every single one of these symptoms over the past two years. Every single one. This accounted for everything, even the tightness in my chest and the hearing loss. A tiny wave of shock and dread washed over me. This fit!

I went on to read that additional symptoms can include impaired thinking, inability to focus and cognitive difficulties, such as forgetting names and words. As I read this, it occurred to me that I had been struggling to think clearly lately. I have been forgetting things that I know, including names and often fumbling through sentences trying to think of the right words. I chalked this up to the stress of everything I had been dealing with, but…..could these also be symptoms I have been over looking?

I continued reading…

MS is a disease of the brain and spinal cord – the central nervous system. MS gradually destroys myelin, the protective coating surrounding the nerves, which hinders the brain from communicating properly with the rest of the body. This, in turn, causes the malfunctions that are the symptoms of MS. As MS gets worse, additional symptoms such as tremors, difficulty walking, inability to control the bladder and bowel and difficulty with speech and swallowing may occur.

I slammed my laptop shut. I couldn’t read anymore of this, it was too overwhelming to contemplate. I had no idea what to do; I just sat there in shock and disbelief. Then I broke down and started to cry. It was near midnight at this point and I sat in the dark, alone, and I just cried.

Could MS really be the answer to my unsolved health mysteries? If so, is this what my future held? Would my body continue to deteriorate until I could no longer walk or speak properly or control my own bladder? Difficulty swallowing? Tremors? Oh God.

I stood up and began to pace as my bawling became increasingly more hysterical. I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was late, the world was asleep. It was just me, alone in the dark with these horrifying thoughts.

And then I just stopped. I stood in the middle if my dark living room, my eyes burning and hair clinging to my wet face, and I took a breath…

Okay girl…just calm down. There’s a reason we don’t watch scary movies alone in the dark, the same should go for reading scary things online. I told myself that I was making something out of nothing, and that chances were I was reading way too much into this and making connections that weren’t really there. And anyway, the middle of the night was hardly the time to hash through my health problems; best to just put it out of my mind and go to sleep. I was exhausted.

I took a few more deep breaths and dragged myself off to bed where Nick was already sound asleep. I crawled into bed as quietly as I could and curled up next to him, gently wrapping his arms around me. Futilely, I tried to put what I had read out of my mind. But like trying to move a stubborn cat off the bed, what I had learned was determinately remaining at the forefront of my thoughts. Not wanting to wake Nick, I rolled over and buried my face in my pillow and silently cried myself to sleep.