I went to bed on Thanksgiving night hoping against hope that I would wake up the next day to a fully-functioning body. No such luck. The entire left side of my body was still numb and aching, my chest was still being squeezed and my hand was still paralyzed. Brilliant. Also, that funny thing with my feet was back; that prickly sort of shocking sensation they would get when I tipped my head down. It had been quite some time since I experienced this and I never really thought anything of it before. Strange it would come back now with everything else going on.
My panic had eased at this point since none of my limbs had fallen off in the night, but I was still terribly disturbed by the fact that half my body was malfunctioning. Looking back, this was the third time something weird and inexplicable had occurred with my body. And each occurrence had been more intense than the last. Could there be a connection? Surely this wasn’t coincidence; all these symptoms must be suggestive of something. The question was….what?
The only medical office open that holiday weekend was InstaCare. They’re notorious for their long waits, but I felt it was imperative to be seen that day. Once again Nick had to help me get dressed. I struggled to put my hair in a pony tail for nearly twenty minutes, during which time I uttered some pretty creative curse words and damned several things to hell. Eventually I gave up and decided just to go. At least I had shoes on, which Nick had to tie for me.
Once we arrived and were in the exam room, I was rather impressed to learn that all patient charts were now on computer and that this doctor also had access to my medical history right on his laptop. Neat! That would save me a lot of explaining. The doctor seemed to listen attentively as I detailed everything I was experiencing, even mentioning the feet thing and some of my past experiences with the vertigo and facial numbness. He asked a couple clarifying questions and did a few sensory tests, making notes along the way. Then, much to my shock and amazement, some very familiar words were spoken….
“Well, I don’t know that I’d really be too worried about it. These neurological disturbances happen sometimes and they usually go away on their own.”
Uhhhhhh……he was joking, right? He had to be fucking joking. Was I really hearing this for what seemed like the hundredth time? I’d lost feeling in half my body and my hand was paralyzed! That just happens sometimes?? This really raises no red flags? An eyebrow even? Was this guy really going to send me out the door with yet another “don’t worry about it”?
I was floored. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting to hear, but I was certainly not expecting to be disregarded once again. My concern was now giving way to exasperation and anger.
Part of me really wanted to lay into this guy and impart the extremely colorful rant that was going through my head. But logic told me it would be useless to argue with him and that it could really only result in some uncomplimentary notes in my medical file. I simply gave him a disingenuous thanks and left.
I’d had it. Something was going on and I was no longer buying the story of “these things just happen”. The facial numbness, the dizziness, the tingling in my feet, the vertigo and now this; something was definitely not right. Why would no one take me seriously?
I had never fathomed that something like this was possible. Aren’t doctors supposed to be the authority on the human body? Is it not their trade to investigate the clues to come to a diagnosis and work to restore health? I realize that doctors are also human beings, and human beings can be flawed. No one is perfect, not even physicians. But four in a row giving me the same mollifying explanation was, in my opinion, beyond contemptible.
I was done. I resolved to not waste any more time with doctors. Instead, I decided to look into the options available with alternative medicine and, in the meantime, start doing a bit of my own research.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Part 5: Uncomfortably Numb
The summer of 2006 turned out to be fairly eventful. We took some trips, attended a few concerts and enjoyed a ton of barbecues and summer festivities with friends and family. The most notable event, however, was the purchase of our first home. We couldn’t have been more thrilled! Life was good, all was well and we were having a blast. Best of all, I was feeling fine. The vertigo hadn’t returned, the nausea was gone and my energy levels seemed to have bounced back to normal. That unsolved health thing was ancient history.
Months passed and summer gave way into fall, my favorite time of year. Colorful trees, cozy sweaters, spicy warm drinks and pumpkin pie…what’s not to love? Fall also meant Thanksgiving. And with our new house finally put together, we decided to host both of our families for Thanksgiving dinner. This would be our first time as hosts as well as our first time preparing a meal on this scale. This would also be the first time both families would be together in one room. Needless to say, this event was presenting us with a few minor anxieties. Still, Nick and I were looking forward to embracing this role in the Thanksgiving tradition.
We awoke early on Thanksgiving morning, eager to get our first-ever turkey buttered, seasoned and in the oven. As I was working up the energy to pry open my tired eyes, I noticed a very odd sensation…a numb feeling all over the left side of my body. Geez, I really must have slept weird, I thought, and I started shifting around a bit to encourage my limbs to wake up.
But they didn’t wake up. And as I stood up and started moving around, I was beginning to feel the extent of this numbness. It was everything on the left side of my body. Everything. My leg, my butt, all around my torso and my chest, my entire arm and up into my shoulders and neck….front, back, everything was numb to the point that I could barely feel the touch of my own hand. Additionally, my chest and torso felt very tight, like I was being squeezed by a bra two sizes too small. Except I wasn’t wearing a bra.
Groggy and unnerved, I wandered into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Perhaps if I just kept moving I could get some circulation going. As I reached for the toothpaste with my left hand, it slipped from my grasp immediately. Annoyed with my own clumsiness, I bent over to pick it up off the floor. But I couldn’t grasp it. My fingers were stiff and spastic. I grappled with the tube for a minute or so, but try as I might my fingers kept slipping and fumbling. I had zero sensation in my hand and I had no motor control. My hand was paralyzed.
I froze. I had no idea what to do. For a few moments my mind went blank and I just stood in the bathroom, barefoot and in pajamas, staring at the tube of toothpaste on the floor. And then, as if someone flipped a switch, the panic in my mind activated and forbidding thoughts began to whirl around in my head….
What the fuck was going on? Was this a stroke? A heart attack? No, a heart attack would be on the right side. Or is it the left? I don’t know! Should I be dialing 911? I don’t want to go to the emergency room! This can’t be happening today, it can’t! I have ten people showing up at my door in 6 hours and I have a house to clean and a huge holiday meal to prepare from scratch!
Frantic, I made for the kitchen to find Nick and explain what was happening. He felt that this was neither a heart attack nor a stroke, but agreed this was seriously concerning. We discussed going to the emergency room, as that was the only option for medical care on Thanksgiving Day. After some thought, however, I decided against it. My life didn’t seem to be in any imminent danger and I certainly didn’t want to spend the day in the ER. Plus I didn’t want to ruin Thanksgiving for everyone. I decided to just plow on through the day as best I could.
With only one side of my body functioning, there really wasn’t much I could do and I felt relatively useless. Nick rose gloriously to the occasion and did majority of the cooking and cleaning. Meanwhile I tackled the job of getting myself cleaned up and dressed, which was proving to be an epic task. Putting on a shirt, pulling up pants, putting my hair in a pony tail….basic things I do every day had suddenly become damn near impossible to do by myself. This frustrated and angered me beyond belief. But also, it petrified me. What the hell was happening?
As the day progressed, the numbness did not subside and my whole body was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, achy and tight. I had this gnawing thought in the back of my mind that perhaps I was being stupid and this was a lot more serious than I was allowing myself to believe it was. But guests would be arriving soon and I needed to get myself together. I convinced myself that if it were really that serious, I would probably be on the floor by now. I just needed to suck it up for one afternoon.
Once the family arrived, we all gathered in the kitchen. Everyone talked and enjoyed the great meal that Nick had prepared. As is traditional with Nick’s family, they all went around the table and acknowledged what they were thankful for. I sat at the table and quietly ate while I listened, nodding and smiling at the conversation taking place around me; I simply didn’t have the mental capacity to join in. I felt strangely detached, as if I was observing myself from the outside. The entire situation was a bit surreal, but I was determined to stay as involved as I could.
No one was wise to what was going on with me that day, which was my choice. I loathe being the center of attention and I didn’t want the focus to be on me that day. Besides, we didn’t even know what was going on. I just wanted everyone to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving. And perhaps a little dose of denial would keep me from completely losing my shit over this.
I just needed to make it through to the pie. Predictably, my mother-in-law had to go to work later that day (an unfortunate downfall of working retail) and, if history was any indication, the family would begin to dissipate once we were done with pie and mom had gone. I could make it until pie. Tomorrow, I would find out which medical facilities were open.
Months passed and summer gave way into fall, my favorite time of year. Colorful trees, cozy sweaters, spicy warm drinks and pumpkin pie…what’s not to love? Fall also meant Thanksgiving. And with our new house finally put together, we decided to host both of our families for Thanksgiving dinner. This would be our first time as hosts as well as our first time preparing a meal on this scale. This would also be the first time both families would be together in one room. Needless to say, this event was presenting us with a few minor anxieties. Still, Nick and I were looking forward to embracing this role in the Thanksgiving tradition.
We awoke early on Thanksgiving morning, eager to get our first-ever turkey buttered, seasoned and in the oven. As I was working up the energy to pry open my tired eyes, I noticed a very odd sensation…a numb feeling all over the left side of my body. Geez, I really must have slept weird, I thought, and I started shifting around a bit to encourage my limbs to wake up.
But they didn’t wake up. And as I stood up and started moving around, I was beginning to feel the extent of this numbness. It was everything on the left side of my body. Everything. My leg, my butt, all around my torso and my chest, my entire arm and up into my shoulders and neck….front, back, everything was numb to the point that I could barely feel the touch of my own hand. Additionally, my chest and torso felt very tight, like I was being squeezed by a bra two sizes too small. Except I wasn’t wearing a bra.
Groggy and unnerved, I wandered into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Perhaps if I just kept moving I could get some circulation going. As I reached for the toothpaste with my left hand, it slipped from my grasp immediately. Annoyed with my own clumsiness, I bent over to pick it up off the floor. But I couldn’t grasp it. My fingers were stiff and spastic. I grappled with the tube for a minute or so, but try as I might my fingers kept slipping and fumbling. I had zero sensation in my hand and I had no motor control. My hand was paralyzed.
I froze. I had no idea what to do. For a few moments my mind went blank and I just stood in the bathroom, barefoot and in pajamas, staring at the tube of toothpaste on the floor. And then, as if someone flipped a switch, the panic in my mind activated and forbidding thoughts began to whirl around in my head….
What the fuck was going on? Was this a stroke? A heart attack? No, a heart attack would be on the right side. Or is it the left? I don’t know! Should I be dialing 911? I don’t want to go to the emergency room! This can’t be happening today, it can’t! I have ten people showing up at my door in 6 hours and I have a house to clean and a huge holiday meal to prepare from scratch!
Frantic, I made for the kitchen to find Nick and explain what was happening. He felt that this was neither a heart attack nor a stroke, but agreed this was seriously concerning. We discussed going to the emergency room, as that was the only option for medical care on Thanksgiving Day. After some thought, however, I decided against it. My life didn’t seem to be in any imminent danger and I certainly didn’t want to spend the day in the ER. Plus I didn’t want to ruin Thanksgiving for everyone. I decided to just plow on through the day as best I could.
With only one side of my body functioning, there really wasn’t much I could do and I felt relatively useless. Nick rose gloriously to the occasion and did majority of the cooking and cleaning. Meanwhile I tackled the job of getting myself cleaned up and dressed, which was proving to be an epic task. Putting on a shirt, pulling up pants, putting my hair in a pony tail….basic things I do every day had suddenly become damn near impossible to do by myself. This frustrated and angered me beyond belief. But also, it petrified me. What the hell was happening?
As the day progressed, the numbness did not subside and my whole body was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, achy and tight. I had this gnawing thought in the back of my mind that perhaps I was being stupid and this was a lot more serious than I was allowing myself to believe it was. But guests would be arriving soon and I needed to get myself together. I convinced myself that if it were really that serious, I would probably be on the floor by now. I just needed to suck it up for one afternoon.
Once the family arrived, we all gathered in the kitchen. Everyone talked and enjoyed the great meal that Nick had prepared. As is traditional with Nick’s family, they all went around the table and acknowledged what they were thankful for. I sat at the table and quietly ate while I listened, nodding and smiling at the conversation taking place around me; I simply didn’t have the mental capacity to join in. I felt strangely detached, as if I was observing myself from the outside. The entire situation was a bit surreal, but I was determined to stay as involved as I could.
No one was wise to what was going on with me that day, which was my choice. I loathe being the center of attention and I didn’t want the focus to be on me that day. Besides, we didn’t even know what was going on. I just wanted everyone to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving. And perhaps a little dose of denial would keep me from completely losing my shit over this.
I just needed to make it through to the pie. Predictably, my mother-in-law had to go to work later that day (an unfortunate downfall of working retail) and, if history was any indication, the family would begin to dissipate once we were done with pie and mom had gone. I could make it until pie. Tomorrow, I would find out which medical facilities were open.
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